This is a question a reader sent me privately. I think many people may encounter this kind of confusion in the workplace, so I wanted to share it with everyone. Below is a Q&A format discussion.
Reader's Question
My coworker is unwilling to teach me how to do things. What can I do to get them to teach me?
Karen
I think you could start by asking with humility, because actually teaching new employees isn't really part of their job description. I think you could first show goodwill. What's their attitude like?
Reader
So they're not supposed to teach me? Should I figure everything out on my own when I join the company? She acts based on her mood…
Karen
It's not that they're not supposed to teach you, but rather that this type of person tends to prefer when people ask them questions. Do you have any other coworkers you can ask? Maybe the company structure and systems aren't complete, so they might not even know how to do it themselves. I'd suggest you take the initiative to ask.
But don't be too eager either. If you have a good attitude and they still won't help, is there anyone else at the company you can ask?
Reader
It's not that she won't teach me, but rather she keeps certain things private… refuses to share them.
These are things we're supposed to know as part of our job, but she probably thinks that if I learn them, she'll become less indispensable at the company.
Karen
If you ask her, she still won't say? How long has she been working there?
Reader
For certain things, she refuses to say! 13 years.
Karen
I think she's quite senior, and her mentality is probably that she figured all these things out from scratch herself, so naturally she thinks others should do the same. She might feel a sense of injustice if she just handed it to you directly. But if these are really just daily routine tasks that she won't tell you about, that's her problem. If they're the kind of things you only learn after doing them for a long time, we shouldn't think she's being deliberately unhelpful or bullying new employees. Observe how she handles things on a daily basis—the fact that she's been able to do this for 13 years means she definitely has considerable skill.
Reader
She's always telling me: "You're lucky now—you have people you can ask. When I faced problems back then, I had to figure everything out myself with no one to ask."
(Karen feels this is an attitude many veterans have)
Karen
Right, everyone has a different attitude toward new employees, and I don't think we can blame them for not teaching. But I think you can take the initiative to show goodwill—you can demonstrate your attitude by asking questions. For example, asking how they do their job so well, I think you should observe them more first, after all it's just you two in the company. If they don't take the initiative and you want to learn, then you need to start.
In the workplace, it's either adapt or it's a good fit, otherwise you need to make changes. Give yourself a small goal each day, like having one more conversation with them or asking one more question. Gradually increase this. If you've made a lot of effort and it's still not working, then you just have to decide whether you want to stay.
==Other Readers' Thoughts==
"Often it's not that senior staff won't teach, but that new employees don't even ask and just do things wrong. Some senior staff are very dedicated to teaching new employees, yet the new employees have a 'take it or leave it' attitude that's hard to praise. Or maybe you teach for a long time, and the new employee is almost up to speed, but then they say they're only staying until this month. Over time, senior staff lose motivation to teach new employees too, thinking everyone will leave eventually, so why bother teaching? It's subjective. At the end of the day, soften your stance, be a bit sweeter with your words, don't let pride get in the way. If you really want to learn something, it's not that hard."
==Other Readers' Thoughts==
Speaking of senior coworkers, I once dealt with a controlling type of coworker who created even more pressure than my manager.
What I couldn't stand most was constantly receiving long messages during off-work hours, especially late at night. The content wasn't just work advice—they'd continuously complain about how hard they worked previously.
Over time, it really made me feel tremendous pressure, even to the point of mental exhaustion…
==Other Readers' Thoughts==
I suspect that people who feel like they don't have much to offer and fear being surpassed will want to gatekeep.
When facing this situation, you can appropriately praise your senior coworker's experience and help them discover their own value; on the other hand, show an attitude of collaboration rather than replacement.
